Championship Predictions

If I'm counting right, I'm five of six in my playoff predictions. Say what you will, but a vote of confidence from this guy should no longer be considered a dreaded hex. Even after saying this, I can hear Kyle saying, "Please don't say I'll win. Please don't say I'll win. Please don't say I'll win." Well, Kyle, don't worry.

Here's what I wrote in my November 1st blog about Kinger's team:

Coatu- Not sure how this team was assembled. No one should have the talent Kinger has in a 12-team league. For as long as I’ve been around, I don’t think King has ever come close to smelling playoffs or any of our championships. There’s no way he doesn’t get a one or two seed in these playoffs and therefore will get a bye. Even if he gets hit with the injury bug, his bench is better than most teams. I really feel like King will have to royally screw up not to win it all this year. Can’t wait to see this all play out.

I don't want to be called Nostradamus (don't think that'll be an issue), but this foresight into the future should alleviate Kinger's soon to be apprehension when he sees me pick him as the favorite to win it all.

The match ups, to me, indicate Kinger walking away with the hardware, but Kyle has some key people in his line-up that could sway the outcome of this championship game. If Marion Barber doesn't play, Tashard Choice could have a huge day in the Cowboys last ever game in Texas Stadium. For some reason, I don't think Brandon Jacobs likes the spectating side of football and I wouldn't be sleeping too well if I were opposing linebackers. If he plays, he's going to be running people over. So, if those things play out, Brees could be huge, Bowe could be huge, and Dustin Keller has a very good match up against Seattle. It wouldn't surprise me at all if Kyle pulled this one out, I just feel that King's team is too consistent and too good to falter now. I look for rebound games from Chris Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald and I think these two players will be the difference for this championship game.

Championship Prediction:

King- 103
Bush-94

Good luck to both of you... wish I was in the spot you guys are in. Have fun on Sunday watching everything unfold.

Oh, and as for the other match up... don't have time for a write up, but I'll throw a meaningless prediction out there anyways:

Pump- 107
Nasty- 87

Semi-Finals

You know when you see a Vegas line and you begin drooling? In high school you'd bet your last penny on this bet only to wake up more broke than you'd ever been. In college, you'd look at this line and be more cautious, but still feel like you'd have to find someone to take this action. Post-college you look at this same line and either completely stay away from this line or actually go against your best instinct and pick the other team. This is the trap that I've become very accustomed to.

Segue into this week's matchups. I looked at this week's games and I couldn't believe how lopsided the matchups are. If I was in high school I'd bet my daughter and Craigger's girlfriend on Pump and Coatu. I really don't see these games to be very close.

For Pump

Manning vs. Detroit= Domination
MJD vs. Green Bay= No Taylor, Big Day
Morris vs. Oakland= Oak can't stop the run, huge day
Jennings vs Jacksonville= Rogers has something to prove means happy Jennings
Marshall vs. Carolina= Time for him to break out
Cooley vs. Cincy= Anyone seen Jason Campbell throw the ball more than 10 yards?
Moore vs. Bears= Balls will be thrown his way... too bad he's not gay
Longwell vs Cards= High scoring game
Ravens vs. Steelers= Can we say hard hitting?

Wow! Big week for the Big Pump

For Coatu:

Rivers vs. KC= Laughable
Johnson vs. Texans= This kid is good and Texans are bad
Westbrook vs. Browns= Westbrook = Philly offense
Fitzgerald vs. Vikings= Warner will pass it 50 times this game.
Johnson vs. Tenn= He gets more targets than almost anyone
Carlson vs. Cards= Cards are pathetic and Carlson is getting more looks
Hartley vs Bears= Don't know much about this kid, but he's a kicker
Steelers vs. Ravens= See above

Wow! Big week for the King

What I'm really interested in is which of these two teams will score the most points. I'd like to see this be the championship game.

As mentioned above, my first instinct, after learning my lesson in high school and college, would be to go against my first instinct and pick Kyle and Matt to win big.

See, now I'm confusing myself. Seeing how I was three for three last week, does that mean that Coatu and Pump are happy that I'm picking them to win? Knowing that my instincts are telling me to pick against Pump and Coatu, does that mean Kyle and Matt are happy with my picks? I'm so confused.

Either way, good luck to all.

Week One Playoffs

Only two games to worry about this week.... good thing as I don't have too much time. Here's how I see things playing out:

I'm going to give the kiss of death to Pump and Coatu and here's why:

Pump will win because: He has Manning and Addai. They play Cincy. Cincy sucks! Big days ahead for both as they have to get their offense rolling and I don't think they'll hold back. Greg Jennings vs. Houston, Brandon Marshall vs. KC, and Lance Moore at ATL... are you kidding me with these matchups? Even if one falters, others have the possibility of lighting their opponent up like a festivus tree.

Coatu will win because: He has better players. I don't like either of these team's matchups. I fully expect Pump and Legged to outscore both of these teams. Unfortunately, one of these will move on. Hey, they may surprise me. What I like about this team is the fact that he has the handcuff to his injured players on his bench. I almost think King must be rooting for Westbrook and Parker to get really hurt this week so there are no longer question marks as to who plays come Sundays. If King does lose this week, it'll be because his two top running backs either get hurt or end up sharing carries with tehir backups.

Nasty asked for a fun matchup this week against Bush as a possible preview of the championship game. He's either lucky or unlucky, but if I were to pick this game, I'd be picking Bush.

Can I parlay these picks into a three teamer?

So Much Clearer

What is for sure:

Teams in playoffs:
1) Nasty
2) Legged
3) Bush
4) King
5) Stro

Teams out of the playoffs:
1) Craig
2) Smokey (pathetic showing- I'm embarrassed)

Teams still alive:
1) dc
2) Amanti
3) Quevin
4) Memorial
5) Pat's ZZZZs

Out of the teams that are definitely in the playoffs, they ALL have a shot at a first round bye.

Like I've said before, I love that 10 out of 12 teams are fighting for playoffs on the very last week of the season. This shows parity and also 12 teams that are pretty involved in this fantasy league. You all make Daddy very proud. Well done to everyone.... except Craigger.

Let's take a look at the match-ups for this crucial week:

Gamers and Legged- Amanti needs a win and a dc loss to get in. dc holds the tiebreaker with many more points than Amanti. Legged needs a win and a loss by Nasty to get a first round bye (he also needs to score five more points than Nasty, too).

Quevin and Nasty- Nasty win= first round bye. Quevin has the most points out of the 5-7 teams, so he needs Amanti and dc to lose and then needs to stay ahead of the others in terms of points.

Pat's ZZZZZs and Crusaders- Pat's need to win and have dc, Amanti, and Quevin to lose (just because he's 80 points behind Quevin). Crusaders also need a win and a loss from dc and Amanti and then if Quevin wins, he'll need to outscore him by 28.

Bush and Pump- Bush win=First round bye. Pump win and a Coatu loss means a first round bye for Pump. Both teams are in, who, if either, is going to get the bye?

Coatu and Smokey- Coatu win and a Bush loss=First round bye.

dc and Tasha- dc win= playoffs (unless Amanti wins and outscores you by 217 points).

I love fantasy!

11 Down, 2 To Go

Anyone else feeling depressed? In the past week, the temperature here in the wonderful green mountain state hasn't reached 40. Average temperatures have been hovering around 25. Snow is falling. Squirrels are disappearing. Life as we know it is coming to an end. I hate winter.

My hatred of winter is only enhanced with my sadness of the football season going by much too quickly. How is it possible that we're in week 12 of the regular season. The lull between the end of football and the beginning of baseball adds to my misery in so many ways.

With only two weeks left in our regular season, it's put up or shut up time for many teams. Here's the playoff picture if playoffs were to start tonight:

Coatu- Ouch. Good thing I'm not doing power rankings anymore. 57 points? I'm a firm believer in getting bad games out of your system before heading into the playoffs. If my team is scoring 120 points every week going into playoffs, I worry about laying an egg in round one. If my team falters the week before playoffs, I'm the happiest kid in the world. Is this backward thinking?

Nasty- Losing last week has put King and Nasty in danger of losing their first round bye. The only thing keeping King in the two slot is his advantage over Bush in overall points. I don't know if this is wrong or not, but I'm rooting for these two teams to falter to make the last week of the season meaningful for everyone (except us bottom feeders). I can't believe I'm this interested even with me being out of it for so long. I'll definitely be looking for some side action once we know the six teams that are in.

Bush- Kyle put himself in range of getting a first round bye by putting the ultimate beat down on Dan (78-66). Anytime I see anyone win with less than 80 points makes me wish we used power rankings. However, I've been finding myself hoping college football doesn't fold and create a playoff system. When record means everything, winning means everything. When winning means everything, excitement and disappointment is heightened EVERY WEEK. There's a certain aspect of this sense of desperation that I enjoy. To scrape by and scratch out a win is what the Titans are all about this year. Maybe the same could be said for Bush.

Pump- Last week was so critical in Mark's playoff push. Beating Nasty was a surprise and now Mark is sitting pretty. There's only one scenario now where Mark won't make playoffs (he loses two and Greg wins two... and scores more points than Mark). What's great is that these two play each other this week. This is what I love, every match up from this point forward is meaningful.

Legged- This is where the playoff picture gets a bit more interesting. Ryan also came up big last week with a win against Jon. With one win in the next two, Ryan should be able to breathe easy. If he falters this week against Nasty, he'll be biting his nails and probably won't be too nice to Baby as he'll be all stressed out the following week.

Gamers- I know I should be rooting for Amanti, but it's absolutely killing me that he has 800 points in 11 games this year and is currently in playoffs. This is making me completely reconsider my stance on not wanting power rankings next year. If we used power rankings, dc would be getting this last slot, while Amanti would be out of contention in 9th (12 points behind... which is huge in power rankings). Ok, I'm done hating. From this point forward, I'm rooting for Amanti. I feel like it's kind of rooting for Rudi. Someone who really shouldn't have a chance, but is given one and will do all he can with this chance.

Out of the picture:

Crusaders- How mad is Greg? Losing to one point to Amanti last week has put him in a very precarious position. A loss this week will all but eliminate Greg from his dream of making fantasy playoffs. It'll happen some year, buddy.

dc- Out of everyone, last week's loss really hurt Dan's chances of making playoffs. Dan is the first team that we can look at and see that not only does he need two wins, but he needs many losses from the people ranked higher. Not looking good for my adopted team to make playoffs.

Quevin and Pat's ZZZZZ's- I'm not going to waste too much time on these two. Although not dead, they should be looking ahead to next year. I would offer to do something really stupid if they made playoffs, but with my luck, it would happen. So, I will all but call them out.

Tasha and Smokey- Yeah, we suck.

New System

I have 27 minutes to write this post, let's see how I do:

Yes, the power rankings have been fun throughout the year, but it's time to change things up. With only three weeks left in the regular season, it's becoming apparent that some of us are clearly out of the picture, some are clearly in, while the majority are still up in the air. From this point on, I will be updating the playoff picture... using the actual criteria (not the O'Hara madness from power rankings) for teams to get a spot in the post-season.

Playoff Teams:

1st Seed-Coatu Hazel: Yes, that's right- Kinger is the top seed if playoffs were to start today. With Quevin, Pat's ZZZZZ's, and Smokey left, Kinger could hold onto the top spot until the actual playoffs start. Actually, his magical number is just one to lock up a first round bye.

2nd Seed- Big Nasty: Just like Kinger, Matt is all but guaranteed a first round bye. He'd have to lose the next three while Ryan would have to win his next three and score more points than him in that time frame. Either way, it looks at this point as if the two top seeds are secure.

3rd Seed-Bush: Without doing the math, I want to say that Kyle has locked up a slot in the playoffs, but I guess he could fall on his face and be in a potential points battle with someone. He has an easy week next week against me (I'll throw the game for you for $20), but this week he plays the self-proclaimed hottest team (dc) and then finishes the season against a strong Pump side. He'll make it, but I'm worried that he may need a rest once he gets in.

4th Seed- Pump: This is where things get a little trickier. Mark sits at 6-4. Three losses in a row puts him at 6-7 and definitely susceptible to missing the playoffs. There's too many sharks in the water now to stumble. I hope he has bandaids with him in case he gets a little cut this week against Nasty.

5th Seed- Legged- Aughh, makes me sick that he's in the playoff hunt. It's not that I don't like the kid, he just makes me feel like less of a man when he beats me in fantasy. At the moment he sits in the fifth position, even though he has the same record as Greg, but he somehow has more overall points (the tiebreaker) than him. He finishes with Nasty, Amanti, and Jon so there's definitely no guarantee that he'll be in this picture for long.

6th Seed- Crusaders- Ever see a big man balance on a high wire? That's what I'm envisioning with Greg as he's holding the last playoff slot, but only by the slimmest of margins. With two 4-5-1 teams breathing down his neck, every week is going to be a potential artery blocker. I hope the kid can find something to keep his heart rate down as he makes his final push.

Out of the Picture for Now

7th Seed- dc- One more win from dc over Legged or Crusaders will most likely get Dan into the playoffs. I'm naming him manager of the year right now. His team was dreadful at the beginning of the season (same with Nasty I guess) and he's motivated them enough to give his team a shot at the post season. Well done.

8th Seed- Gamers- Amanti needs a little massaging to get into the playoffs. Yes, he has the same record as Dan, but he has almost 200 points less. He will need three wins, plus some major points, plus a stumble from Greg, Cousin, and Dan to have a shot.

9th Seed- Pat's ZZZZZ's- I'm almost too disappointed to write about my second team. What a disappointment. I wish I could've captained this ship. I would have had them holding the championship at this point. Jon and Kevin get the bad gene award this year.

10th-12th Seed- Quevin, Smokey, Chester- I'm not going to do the math, but I believe Quevin could somehow still get a slot, but it's not happening. Too many things have to go right in order for this to even be a possibility. As far as Craig and Me, we're sucking each other off.

Voting for Change

As you are all well aware, I’m very sad that McCain lost in his bid to become president. It’s not that I ever had anything against this great veteran, but more so his one and only decision that led to his demise- his choice in VP. How can you promise good decisions in the future with this ridiculous decision of a running mate. What a dipshit.

This leads me into the crux of this article- bad decisions. Yes, we’ve all made some bad decisions in our day (just ask Craigger about this one girl he hooked up with in a bar up here in Burlington- ugh, just threw up a little in my mouth). As has been well documented, bad decisions in fantasy lead to disappointing years and a sense of low self-worth. I’ve made some very poor decisions this year in fantasy which have lead me to disinterest in this league, but to this point have not abused my power as commissioner to rectify these bad decisions… until now.

Starting today, I’ve made some executive decisions in light of our new socialist president. First, playoffs will now consist of all 12 teams to include everyone. Also to be fair, the bottom two teams will also get a bye in the first round as the first two teams also get byes. Second, if you finish in the bottom six, you will have a first round to yourself and then the real draft will begin with all 12 teams in subsequent rounds. Lastly, again to be fair, I’m enacting “prima nocta,” or the right of league champion to sleep with any or all of our wives or girlfriends while in the reign of his championship.

These changes, although somewhat controversial, will be instituted as of 2:30 on Wednesday, November 6th. No amount of complaining will overturn any of my decisions. When you entrust power to just one man, you’ll have to fully trust that man to do what is best for the group as a whole. Like my man, Barack, I’m your man. Thanks for giving me the power to do what is right for the league. Together we will move mountains.

As far as the power rankings go:

Coatu- This was by far and away the game of the year. What happened? Nasty fell on his face. In a down week for almost everyone, King persevered and handed Nasty a crushing 30 point defeat. There’s no doubt that this is the team to beat this year, but anything can happen. I thought I had the team to beat in baseball, and got my balls beat badly by Nasty in the semis… foreshadowing again for this year in the semis for football? King, don’t worry, Nasty uses a nice, gentle stroke when he beats your balls.

Nasty- Disappointed. I was rooting for this game to live up to all of the pre-game hype. I think Nasty took his team out the night before as they all had less than average performances. I will take the blame for Portis as my suck-ass Redskins couldn’t do anything against a really good Steelers D. Is this a one week hiccup or the first sign of bad things to come. It’ll be interesting to see how Nasty finishes the last four weeks.

Bush- I said that last week was going to be a struggle for Bush… and it was. Posting 59 points in a week is only something that Craigger should be proud of. I’m keeping Bush in the three hole as Bush has his bye week this week (playing Craigger) and should regain his form. I’m not worried.

Crusaders- I also said last week that I was a big fan of Tim Hightower and he certainly didn’t disappoint. Having him in my other league, I kept track of Timmy last week. What doesn’t show up in his stats were two huge runs that were called back because of penalties. This kid is going to be good. I was tempted to put the Crusaders over Bush, but this may have to be put on hold for a week.

Stro- There’s quiet Stro and there’s anxious Stro. This week we haven’t heard from the Maestro. Why? Because Dan showed him which hole to stick it in last week. I’ll give him credit, he didn’t make any wrong coaching decisions (including keeping Addai on his bench), it was just a case of his team underperforming. I have a feeling that Stro will once again be chirping after a victory over Amanti this week.

Legged- How can someone score 69 points (hahaha 69) and get a victory? I’ll tell you how, by playing a ridiculously bad team. Cousin was probably hoping to move up this week, but I almost want to move him down for taking credit for that sorry-ass victory. The noble thing to do would be to not accept the W. Give it back to the league. You didn’t deserve it.

Ever Changing Name- I’m not sure when Jon once again changed his name, but I hope it wasn’t before Sunday. All “Jeff’s Curse” did was get him three straight victories. Although I’m not the most superstitious guy in the world, I wouldn’t ever change my name if I had a three game winning streak in place. Jon usually performs his best when he’s sitting below the sixth slot in these power rankings, so he should once again pick it up this week.

dc- Dan had an important win last week. It’ll be interesting to see if he plays Torrian this week… and how good he’ll do. Like Hightower, I’ve heard good things about Torrian. Unfortunately for Dan, he needs more help with WR than he does at RB… but too many RBs is never a bad thing.

Quevin- Many probably think that I have a personal vendetta against Kevin. I’m constantly dogging his team and making fun of his decisions (like not playing Ronnie when he went off for more points than Craiggers team). Well, some teams respond better when they’re angry and Kev’s team finally had enough of my yap. He had by far and away the best week out of everyone and he has Jamal Charles on his bench. He could end up being the starting RB for KC for this point forward. Not that this is a great thing, but he could end up being pretty good. Even with Charles, it looks as if he’s now only one WR short from being REALLY good. Unfortunately, it may be too little, too late.

Gamers- Amanti is pulling away from the field with his lowest combined point total. What’s amazing is his record. He continually gets wins and is only one win away from being in the playoffs. Sucky teams tend to do well when they’re given an opportunity (Giants last year), so we’ll have to wait to see how Amanti’s season ends up and then his possible subsequent run in the playoffs.

Smokey- My team is so bad, it’s not worth wasting more than a sentence covering.

Chester- Worse than my team (just worth a sentence fragment).

Trick or Treat

It’s trick or treat time and in celebration, I figured we should look back through the draft to see who everyone’s tricks (sucky-ass players like Tommy B.) have been and who people’s treats (Matt Forte) have been. We’ll go team by team. Some teams have more tricks than treats or vice versa. Don’t get mad if you’re team sucks, it’s just the Halloween hand you were dealt this year. Suck it up! Note- Keepers aren’t part of this trick or treat edition.

In order to be in the “treats” section, you needed to score at least 60 points as a RB/WR/TE and at least 110 points if you were a QB- for the season.

To be in the “tricks” section, you needed to score 40 or less points for a RB/WR/TE or 80 or fewer if you were a QB.

There were many teams with a majority of their players in the middle zone. Most likely you would’ve put them in the “tricks” column as you probably think that they suck. More importantly, I want to point out how bad we are at drafting. Every team made some very poor decisions. Good to know going into next year.

Here are the results:

Bush (number one pick overall):

Treats- LT, Jacobs, McGahee, and D. Bowe,

Tricks- S. Holmes, K. Jones, J. Fargas, J. Hardy, H. Miller, J. Gaffney, and D. Keller

O’Hara (number two pick)

Treats- A. Johnson (just traded), D. Williams, and J. Campbell (2nd to last pick overall)

Tricks- Pretty much my whole team: Brady, S. Young, R. Mendenhall, M. Morris, J. Walker, R. Williams, D. Stallworth,

Jeff’s Curse (Jon- number three)

Treats- AP, L. Evans, M. Schaub, and Aaron Rodgers (147th pick out of 168 total picks)

Tricks- Palmer, Holt, Winslow, R. Williams, Kolby Smith

Coatu (Kinger- number four)

Treats- Westbrook, C. Johnson, S. Slaton (recently traded), P. Rivers, and S. Moss

Tricks- W. Parker, C. Perry, R. Curry, and A. Crumpler

Pump (Mark- number five)

Treats- B. Marshall, G. Jennings (Should I put Manning and MJD in the treat section?)

Tricks- N. Burleson, T. Bell, J. Galloway, B. Engram, M. Clayton, and J. Porter

Legged (Ryan- number six)

Treats- S. Jackson, M. Turner, H. Ward, and D. McNabb (Cuz has a lot of middle of the road type guys- Whitten, Edge, Chambers, etc.)

Tricks- Vinatieri, K. Curtis, and Kitna
Quevin (Kev- number seven)

Treats- M. Lynch, R. Brown, A. Boldin, L. Coles, K. Warner (138th pick overall)

Tricks- Maroney, C. Johnson, V. Davis, and L. Jordan

Nasty (Matt- number eight)

Treats- Portis (MVP), Bush, LenDale Fatty, Gates, and I guess Favre (for his one big game)

Tricks- M. Harrison, A. Green, D. McAllister, and R. Johnson

Chester (Craig- number nine)

Treats- C. Johnson, S. Morris (even though he dropped him), V. Jackson (even though he dropped him)

Tricks- TO, D. McFadden, F. Jones (for where you picked him at #40), R. Williams, R. Rice, A. Gonzalez, A. Bradshaw, B. Watson, J. Russell

dc (Dan- number 10)

Treats- J. Lewis, T. Jones, S. Smith, Matt Forte, B. Berrian

Tricks- F. Taylor, T. Gonzalez, K. Watson, M. Hasselback

Gamers (Amanti- number 11)

Treats- Houshmandzadeh, J. Jones, R. White, E. Manning?

Tricks- L. Johnson, D. Anderson, C. Taylor, P. Crayton, T. Heap, B. Jackson

Crusaders (Greg- Number 12)

Treats- R. Wayne, E. Graham, J. Stewart, J. Cutler, and T. Hightower

Tricks- J. Shockey, S. Rice, J. Norwood, Bryant Johnson, R. Meachum, LJ Smith

Now, let’s get to the much anticipated O’Hara Power Rankings:

Nasty- When you’ve been ranked number one and you continually find ways to win, how could you be bumped down to number two? I think Kinger’s team is solidifying themselves as the legitimate two seed, with a chance every week to become number one. I’m wondering if LenDale White made fun of Deuce for taking a weight loss supplement. The only bummer here is that Deuce will be suspended four games while LenDale will be just getting fatter. Both of these things aren’t good news for Coach Nasty.

Coatu- Not sure how this team was assembled. No one should have the talent Kinger has in a 12-team league. For as long as I’ve been around, I don’t think King has ever come close to smelling playoffs or any of our championships. There’s no way he doesn’t get a one or two seed in these playoffs and therefore will get a bye. Even if he gets hit with the injury bug, his bench is better than most teams. I really feel like King will have to royally screw up not to win it all this year. Can’t wait to see this all play out.

Bush- I traded for LT in my other league and I can’t tell you how much I’m hoping that he returns to his old self. Last week he showed the Brits his moves and now he has a bye week. Kyle may have an off week with LT resting this week, but I’m thinking there are good times to come when he returns.

Stro- Embarrassing Craigger will always get you to move up the power rankings faster. But embarrassing him when you have three of your top players on your bench (Marshall, Jennings, and Addai), is just wrong. Have you no sympathy in your heart, Stro? There’s definitely some potential on this team. Getting them all to show up on the same week is what is proving challenging.

Curse- Anyone notice that my team has won three in a row? Yup, ever since I initially dropped him out of the playoff picture, Jon has finally motivated his team to three straight victories. I’m guarded in saying that he has an easy match up this week against Amanti, but with Gore on a bye, I’m actually a little nervous. Hopefully the week off has given AP a much needed rest and he’ll be ready to post 45 points on Houston.

Crusaders- Nothing like having your defense score 20 points to help you pull out a 73-72 victory over the woeful Quevin team. I will admit that I made fun of Greg about his Pennington pick up and of course my doubts led Pennington to a very solid game. The interesting piece to this team to keep track of is Tim Hightower on his bench. Already being the goal line back for the Cardinals, it’s now rumored he may take over the starting duties from Edge. If this happens, Greg has a chance. If not, he’ll still be one player away from making it to the promised land.

Legged- This week’s performance from Cuz is the type of outing that I’ve been calling for all year. I’ll stick with my gut and say that this team is not very good. Now at 4-4, he is only a couple bad weeks away from being out of the playoff picture. Yes, he’s playing my Smokey Burt team this week, but this is no easy win anymore. This guy (Smokey Burt) has had two solid weeks of 96 and 97 points. Legged will have to get his old foggies motivated to beat the young guns on Burt.

dc- I’ll be the first to admit that I have no idea how Steve Smith is so good. I’ve never once drafted him in any league because I continually think that someone that small will never be successful in the rough and tough NFL. The catches this guy makes are miraculous. Even with all of his success, I still think at some point defenses are going to figure him out. Sitting at 2-5-1, every week is a must win and this week’s opponent is Pappa Pump. It’ll be interesting to see how this game plays out.

Smokey- Starting with dc and continuing down to Chester, we’re all in need of consistent wins from this week until the end of the season. We’re all staring down being eliminated from playoff contention and the rest of you can expect our best efforts from this point forward. My trade with King was viewed as good for King, bad for me. It’s up to my new crew to show that I knew what I was doing when accepting this trade. This week is the beginning of the season for me.

Gamers- Amanti knows this team is bad and is just trying to stay afloat for a few more weeks. Out of all of the bottom feeders, he actually has the best chance to make the playoffs. With a game against Jon this week, I don’t foresee a win for Amanti.

Quevin- Losing six in a row with the talent he has on this team takes effort and a certain amount of talent. He faces Bush this week who is without LT and Brees, so to break his six game losing streak may actually be possible. I haven’t run the numbers, but he and Craig are either already out of the playoff picture or will be with their next loss. What a disappointing season for a team that had so much potential.

Chester- What I love about Craig, is that no matter how bad his team is, he’ll still be looking to make moves to improve his team. Unfortunately for him, all of his work on the waivers has only led his team to a ridiculous six game losing streak. Anyone remember when Craig was 2-0… yeah, me neither. He may stop trying after a loss this week to Greg.

Playing the Wire

It was my assumption that if I dissected the waiver wire I would find the top level teams won the game within the game- waiver wire pick-ups. I couldn’t have been more wrong. What the waiver wire dissection proved was that the good teams have always been good and they have no need for the meaningless pick-ups. Nasty has had four additions (Bills, Garrard, Kasay, Sproles). Bush has really only had two (Driver and Carney- picked up Scobee prior to week one as he didn’t draft a kicker). Legged has had seven pick-ups (Eagles, Randel El, Lloyd, Prater, Engram, Stokely, Cassell). And Coatu has only had only 23 waiver transactions and for him that’s ridiculously low. He should have at least 60 by now- proves how good his team is.

Does anyone see any good transactions in this list? I guess we could reach and say Driver was a good addition, but that’s it. Even more amazingly, I looked through all of the waiver wire transactions and no one has really become the Earnest Graham this year. We could look at a Sammy Morris or a Correll Buckhalter, but these are really just injury replacements and I don’t view them in the same light? Where am I going with all of this?

I realized that the moving to a 12 team set up would have some kind of impact, but I never would have guessed that it would have all but eliminated the talent pool in waivers. The two extra players taken (compared with a 10 team league) in each round really equate to 30 extra players being off the board. That turns into three more rounds. The players that are available in my other league are actually contributors… and may actually sniff a starting line-up here and there. In this league, we have guys (Stro) constantly adding and dropping schmucks like Kevin Walter. This dude wouldn’t even start for my team. There’s no one out there to be had.

So, in hindsight, the draft means everything in a 12 team league. If you don’t have a good draft you have about as much of a chance as Amanti getting laid when he goes out wearing a pink, soft cotton shirt (wish I had a picture).

As I’m always trying to look to ways to improve the league, I wondered how we could make this more exciting. Besides having the top team kick out a member of his choosing, I’ve thought of another idea. At least once every four weeks (3x before playoffs), you would need to trade at least one player off of your team to another team. Now forcing your hand to trade doesn’t seem right or fair, but think about it. This would be our way of using our knowledge to add some talent to our team... as this is all but impossible on waivers. No one would be trading their top dogs, but rather the bottom feeders of their teams. You’d see a lot of Tim Hightower for Warrick Dunn type of trades. Now let’s say that three weeks ago, you traded Tim Hightower for Mewelde Moore. Who wins? Moore obviously has had two outstanding weeks, but Hightower is going to be more consistent as the season goes on. Just a way to keep things fresh in what could become a stagnant league.

Now, let’s get to the rankings. I had the privilege of going out with Big G, Nasty, and Cousin on Friday night. Nasty was shooting his credit card around like a dog owner with a Frisbee. This was an obvious, but welcomed, ploy to sway my rankings. On the other hand, Ryan and Big G’s tact was to get me as drunk as possible and then plead their case as to why they should be moving up this week. I have to tell everyone that the league rankings weren’t compromised in any way from Friday night’s festivities, despite those dirty hoodlums worst intentions.

Here we go:

1) Nasty- How can he move down? He ended up beating Big G by 37, even though Greg felt comfortable with his chances of winning heading into Monday night. I guess he thought Cutler was going to have the game of his life. The fantasy Gods have put some pressure on Nasty’s coaching ability as they’ve taken away his primary running back (Reggie Bush) and his handcuff (Druggie McAllister). That leaves him with Sproles, Rudi J, or Mushin Muhammad to take their places. I wonder what lucky prick gets to play him this week… oh yeah, it’s me. I’m ready to take down the one seed.

2) Coatu- Good teams find ways to win, bad teams find ways to lose. Chester had his best game since week two and it still couldn’t figure out how to pull out the W. With an easy match-up against Amanti this week, this may be the week we see a changing of the guard on top. King seems posed to make a serious run.

3) Bush- Could Kyle be losing his team? Reports are out that he’s lost control of at least one player on his team, Santonio Holmes. Without Holmes, Kyle is looking at starting D. Bowe from the high powered Chiefs. What a week to have this happen as he’s playing the next team in the power rankings, Legged. This latest example of the lack of control and leadership on this team makes me wonder if he can really be considered a playoff contender. Look for a player’s only meeting very soon on team Bush.

4) Legged- 142 points last week? Are you kidding me? Anyone notice that this was done with Marcques Colston laying an egg (didn’t even touch a ball), my boy Matt Prater only managing one point, and Jason Whitten only getting four points. So, his team scored 142 points with three guys accounting for only 5. Pretty impressive. Taking all of this into consideration, Cousin should be higher in these rankings, but he’s my whipping boy and I’m not ready to give in yet. Anyone notice that Cousin is also the first team to implement a two tight-end set into his starting line-up. This could be the wildcat formation of fantasy in years to come. He’s such an innovator.

5) Curse- Definitely not a pretty win by my team, but a win nonetheless. Anyone beginning to feel badly for Quevin and his team? It’s almost like feeling good when you beat a blind kid at basketball. There’s really no fun involved. Scoring a 69 should only be a sign of victory in one way, but not in fantasy sports. I’m glad Jon won as this may now give him the momentum needed to get hot at the right time. No one should want to be the horse in the front of the pack this early. You just know they’re going to get caught from behind. Jon is gaining on Mr. Bolt and we’re about to hit the home stretch. Be worried, Nasty.

6) dc- Did Dan just move up again this week? Keep paying no attention to Dan’s ascension. I’m not sure or not, but has anyone had every player on his team score in double digits? Dan came awfully close this past week, only missing this mark by one point from Jamal Lewis. That’s pretty impressive when you can have a team effort of this magnitude. You won’t see anyone on this team make foolish decision, like the reckless bunch on Kyle’s team. Also, did anyone notice that Stro matched Craigger’s futility mark by not having anyone on his team record double digits this week.

7) Pump- What a disappointment this team is. All of this talk about how they should’ve been number one two weeks ago. This team needs a lesson in humility. Getting beat by almost 100 points is unacceptable. Mark’s pleads that this was one bad week fell on deaf ears. Lucky for Mark, he gets to play Chester this week and should get back on his winning ways. A loss however, could mean an even bigger drop in the rankings. His team will need to stay focused to achieve greatness.

8) Crusaders- If I were to pick a team that is underperforming, it would be Big G’s unit. He has some talent on this team, but no one is stepping up. I love the Chad Pennington waiver wire addition. He should be good for at least 5 points. Maybe his hope was for Chad to provide leadership for his floundering team. He plays the medicine man, Quevin, this week so he should get back on his winning ways.

9) Gamers- Is there a funnier name in fantasy than BenJarvus Green-Ellis? There may be one funnier name, Houshmandzadeh. Yup, Amanti has both on his team. What does this mean? Nothing. It just gives me something to write as there’s no redeeming quality to this team.

10) Smokey- I sense a surge in coming weeks from Smokey. I’ve made some necessary moves to get dead weight off of my team and am excited for the future.

11) Quevin- I just realized that Kevin has the worst record in the league. I originally had him in the 10 spot, but I’m feeling now like my 2-4-1 team far out-trumps this rag-tag bunch. Could he go to 1-7 this week? I hope not, because if that happens, I may have to take Craigger out of the 12 slot… and I don’t want to do that.

12) Chester- I love this kid! There is a single underlying reason why this kid will forever be 12th in these power rankings regardless of how he finishes this year- evaluator of talent. Anyone notice that he dropped Cassell for Brad Johnson? How’d that work out for him? The other note that wouldn’t be that recognizable is a discussion we had prior to kick-off on Sunday. He wrote to me wanting to know if I had any interest in Calvin Johnson because he’s going to be nothing now that Roy Williams isn’t on the team anymore. The 23 points CJ posted was obviously the high on Craig’s pathetic team.

On Our Knees

Nothing much to rant about this week and don’t have too much time, but I know everyone is eagerly anticipating the weekly power rankings. Sorry for not including pictures this week. Hoping to have more time next week. By the way, I may be out in Boston on Friday night if anyone wants to meet me out to beat me up (seriously, try to meet us out- I’d love to catch up with you guys). Anyways, let’s get to the weekly power rankings:

1) Nasty- A lot of people don’t believe in the CBS power rankings, but Nasty is perfect in these rankings. He has the most points, the best record, and the best “Breakdown” (simply meaning he would have beat most of us on most weeks). He and Bush had a tough match-up this past weekend, with Bush coming out on top by six. I believe I predicted this may happen to Nasty and believe it or not, I’m picking the number one team to lose for a second straight week, this week against the Crusaders. Even with the loss last week and the predicted loss this week, I still have him number one, but the others in the top four are gaining.

2) Coatu- At the time of this writing, Kinger has K. Smith in his starting line-up instead of Michael Pittman. Maybe he’s a New England fan and is blind to their defensive troubles, but I have to question this move. Even so, he’s jumped a few spots and people are going to want to know why. I usually like to do these power rankings based on where people are, not where they are going. However, with Coatu, Bush, and Pump, I had to look ahead to see where we’d be after this week. Coatu, playing an invisible Chester Catamounts (abbreviated CMC somehow), will easily get the win and thus deserves this number two slot.

3) Bush- I’m really just trying to make fun of the Catamounts, but Bush is playing the other Green Mountain team, the Gamers, and they are WAY better than the Catamounts… and he’s the tenth ranked team in these rankings. So, even being a 50 point dog this week, he has a better chance beating Bush than the Catamounts beating Coatu. So, taking all of this into consideration is the only reason why Bush is number three and not number two. They should both win easily and it may be whoever scores the highest point total will take over the two, or possibly even the number one slot next week…. if all of my predictions come true.

4) Pump- I promise you I’m not taking Mark down a couple of slots to be funny. Honestly, take a look at this line-up and tell me if you’d even have them as high as number four: P. Manning, K. Faulk, F. Jackson, B. Marshall, G. Jennings, C. Cooley, K. Walter, J. Nedney, and Baltimore D. Kevin Faulk and Freddie Jackson aren’t two guys I’m too scared of. I think my tandem of Deangelo Williams and Mewelde Moore will outscore these two ass clowns this weekend. Again, I hate to look into the future, but Mark may struggle this week.

5) Legged- Does anyone else ever feel that the Amantis always end up on the right side of luck? Do you know who the One Legged Lover plays this week? Yup, the aforementioned Pump with all of his RBs on byes or hurt. This is the type of thing that really pisses me off and why I’ll never have Legged higher than five. The kid fires me up with his lucky streaks.

6) Crusaders- Big Country has a lot riding on this week against Nasty. A win here definitely vaults him past Cousin and Pump and possibly into the top three mix. Now, I don’t know if that means he throws this weekend or not, but he seems to be above curses and superstitions. I fully expect a beat down of Nasty this weekend, which would give this power ranking business the big shake up it’s been looking for.

7) Jeff’s Curse- Well played. It was only a matter of time as the team formerly known as Spunky (or Little Spunkster as I liked to refer to them), changed their name. With an easy win over the pathetic Catamounts last week and looking forward to an easy match-up against an owner on the verge of being voted out of this league (does Kevin even know how to log on to CBS?), things are looking up for my team… or I mean the team that I love… or I mean the team I think will win it all… or… ok, I better stop. I will buy a trophy for the league if this team wins as it may be my only way to ever have my name on a champion trophy. What an honor to name the team after me. Thank you so much, Jon… I promise not to let you down. And don’t worry about this week, it’s an easy win for you.

8) dc- Dan has to be laughing out loud with these power rankings. As in baseball, I continued to tell him that his team sucked, and he must’ve been laughing all those times, too. Now in football, with me feeling I have to do these power rankings weekly now, I feel as if I need to tell Dan weekly that his team sucks. Has anyone noticed, but he continues to slowly move up every week. I’m hoping that if I just slowly move him up the rankings that by the time he’s number one, it’ll seem as if I had him there all year. Let’s see how that plays out.

9) Quevin- The next four teams won’t get much written about them. We all suck. I figured I’d make Quevin the captain of our all-suck team. He scored the most points of all of us last week with 76…. this with two of his players not even playing. Quevin is solely to blame for his team’s disastrous state. They may be actually ok with a baboon managing their club.

10) Gamers- The great part of this story is that the Gamers own Eli Manning in both leagues he’s in. All he needed was a decent day from Manning and he wins both leagues. Manning decides to get picked three times and doesn’t even throw for 200 yards. This kind of stuff only happens when you suck. When 65 points would get you a win and you can’t get there, you know your team is on their knees.

11) Smokey- I’ve been on my knees sucking so long that my lips are numb.

12) Chester- And then there’s my friend, Christian. Does anyone’s ineptitude ever cause happiness to you? Not sure exactly why, but it puts a smile on my face when Craigger’s team continually sets new lows. I looked at his team’s points and you could add three of his weeks together and come up with 133 points. Do you know that Coatu had 135 in one week? Can we agree that Chester has to change his name to “Bye” if he doesn’t post at least 60 points this week? At some point there has to be penalties for sucking as bad as this.

Amanti Makes the Playoffs!

By the numbers:

-Amanti would make the playoffs if they started today, despite the fact that he has the fewest overall points this year. I still can't believe we don't use power rankings to determine playoffs.

-The past residents of the Homo Hotel (Craig, Amanti, and me) have the three lowest point totals out of everyone (360, 363, 364), which makes me wonder what we did while we all lived together to make us so collectively bad at anything revolving fantasies.

-Nasty and I put identical beat downs on our opponents last week (105-70). The only difference- I beat a legitimate team while Nasty was his typical bully self and stuffed Craig in a locker and pissed all over him.

-Nasty has outscored his opponents this year by 143 points. Next closest, 72, by Cousin. He's lapping the field at this point.

-90... the percentage of chance that Jon shows up on my doorstep threatening my wife if I don't stop telling people he has a good team.

-10... the percentage of chance I listen to Jon when he shows up.

-Craig, Amanti, and I are listed in the coaches ratings (whatever the hell this is) on the CBS site as the 9th, 10th, and 11th worst coaches in the league. Strangely enough, Jon is listed as the worst. Maybe it's not me. By the way, did anyone catch the Sports Guy rant on his fantasy league? The person who finishes in first has to kick someone out of the league (they're able to apply for reinstatement the following year). I LOVE this rule...even though I'd be the one out as I piss everyone off.

-Our top 20 draft picks: LT, Tommy B, AP, Westbrook, Manning, Jackson, Lynch, Portis, Owens, Lewis, Johnson, Wayne, Graham, Housh, T Jones, McFadden, Bush, Maroney, Turner, MJD, K. Smith, Palmer, A. Johnson, McGahee... only four of these top 24 picks are in the top 11 in overall points for QB, RB, WR, and TE. FOUR out of 24!!! Talk about sucking at making picks. Who are those four you may want to know? Turner leading with 89, Portis with 79, AP with 66, and Bush with 65. The top seven overall picks: LT, Brady, AP, Westbrook, Manning, Jackson, and Lynch no where to be found.

When looking at the numbers, it’s easy to figure out the power rankings this week:

1) Nasty- Even with Favre out and a mediocre performance from Garrard, Nasty still managed to have the highest point total of the week. At some point he’s going to falter and it could be this week against a strong, but recently underperforming, Bush team. Even so, as mentioned above, the big guy has exploded out of the starters gate and is now in Husein Bolt coast mode. Anyone else see the similarities of Bolt and Nasty?

2) Pump- I think PP is the only one that wants to be on the top of this list. I shouldn’t look into the future, but his match-up with a horrendous Quevin team should propel him forward in his quest for a playoff slot. I’m not worried about the Colts as everyone else seems to be. I’d rather be in their shoes than the Pat’s. Completely off subject now, but Cassell looks scared shitless in the pocket. Can Pat’s fans see this too, or are you blinded by the Bill Belichick blinding aura?

3) Legged- These Lovers probably have a legitimate gripe not being in the two spot, but I can’t put a team higher than three if the majority of their team is as old or older than me. I can barely run to the end of my driver without waking up sore, so I will continue to believe that this bunch of old-timers will eventually wear down and need to take a break every other week which will limit the potential of this team… especially when we get to the playoffs.

4) Bush- He says he was cursed, but really his team just laid an egg. When six players account for only 21 total points, you know that you’re approaching the land that only Craigger is accustomed. This week will prove a lot to me as Bush faces off again Bolt… or I mean Nasty. Can Nasty continue to glide to the finish or will Kyle Bush be able to overtake him in the last lap? Stay tuned to find out.

5) Coatu- Much like the team underneath him, Coatu has fallen in recent weeks. Yes, he won last week, but losing Westbrook can’t be underscored. I see he has Buckhalter in his lineup which is a good move, but he’s no BW. With Chris Perry quickly coming out of favor in Cincy, he no longer has the RB depth he had a few weeks ago. Luckily for him, he’s facing the medicine man, Dan, this week (you know, the team that will make you finally feel better if you’re not playing well). Being this low may be a temporary stop for Coatu… unless he loses this week which would mean an absolute drop. You gotta win the games you’re supposed to win.

6) Crusaders- Starting at this point, Greg and the next two teams all lost last week. I figured these three slots based on who was the biggest loser (Kevin) last week. Kevin gave a piss poor performance and lost by 28, while the little Spunkster lost be 13 and Mr. Crusader lost by nine. Thus, Greg gets top billing over the other two losers. Does that make Greg the biggest loser or Kevin? Or are all three losers? Regardless of who is the biggest loser, they’re still above the hobbits in the basement.

7) Spunky- If I was right about anything, it was that this little Spunkster would be in trouble facing a hard charging Pappa Pump. I didn’t imagine my curse would cause him to score the lowest point total of the week, but now that his power ranking has sunk out of the playoff picture, expect a big week (oops, is this cursing him again?).

8) Quevin- This Boldin injury couldn’t have come at a worse time for Quevin. At the time this was being written, Quevin is a 60 point dog to Pappa Pump. The wonderful guru has him only scoring 56. This has to be the first time someone is an underdog by more points than the guru is picking for that team to score. Quevin is walking a fine line of becoming a hobbit and joining us that live in the basement.

9) Gamers- Anyone catch that this is Amanti’s third win in a row? Not sure if this is funny or not, but even winning three in a row has him only at nine in the power rankings. As mentioned before, Amanti would be in the playoffs if they were to start today. Unfortunately, a win this week against me won’t prove much, so it may be hard for him to move higher this week unless Quevin lays another egg.

10) dc- Again, dc was in danger of falling below Craig and me, but the Forte character runs with power and grace. I’m not calling him the next Sweetness, but I think he may be a little shorter than Walter so maybe we could start calling him Sweet and Low. He’s the only thing on this team worth mentioning.

11) Smokey- Whoa, what a beat down I put on the pathetic Bush team. Here I thought they were a much better team…. how wrong could I have been? They were dreadful as they allowed Deangelo Williams to trounce all over them. Smokey is going to ride the momentum into week six and hopeful be able to eek out another victory against the subpar Gamers. If this happens, sitting at 3-3 for a perennial playoff contender will put fear into all of those in the heavens.

12) Chester (group formerly known as Tasha)- Changing his name and the stupid logo on his helmet won’t improve this team. By the way, who spends time designing a helmet for fantasy… and what does the M stand for if you’re name is the Chester Catamounts? You’re making your team dumber just by being its manager. If it weren’t for Jon, you’d win the Lane Kiffin award for fantasy.

Palin for President... or Cousin

I know I’m speaking to what I can only assume is a bunch of conservatives from Mass, but c’mon. I was watching the VP debate on Thursday night and didn’t mind that The Office was not on or that I was making the conscious decision to delay watching the Real World- Island episode that I had taped the previous night, because I knew that this debate would provide more comic and reality television than these other two options combined. Lucky for me, it didn’t disappoint. I began to watch and immediately heard Palin say that the way she would tell if the economy was good was by going to a soccer game and asking a soccer mom what she thought. If this soccer mom said the economy was struggling than the economy was probably in bad shape. Are you serious?????? So, after the 50th “Gosh darn” and “You’d better believe it” I was happy knowing that no one in their right mind would vote for McCain/Palin as the Maverick (one of the coolest nicknames of all time) is one tick short of leaving this Palin chick in charge. This thought lasted until I saw my good friend, Drew, online. I chatted with him over this cool internet thing we have and began to poke fun at the second stupidest person in the US (behind our wonderful present president, of course). Unbelievably to me, he began to defend Palin. I honestly thought he was kidding at first. But, no, he wasn’t. I then made fun of him on an e-mail that had a few people on it and someone else came running to Palin’s defense. I pinched myself and, even though I feel like half of my life is just one big dream that I’m soon to awake out of only to realize that I’m 80 with only a few days left to live, I didn’t wake up. Could it be possible that there are people out there that think this dipshit can run our country? Is it because another jackass has done it for eight years and we have only come close to self imploding many times… but we’re still the USA so it must be doable? What are people thinking?

And then there’s Cousin. I’m beginning to hate this kid more and more. He picked Dan’s fantasy baseball team and I picked that team to finish in 11th. As we all know, Dan rewarded Cousin with some winnings as Dan finished in FIRST. Are you kidding me? FIRST! This after I picked Dan to finish 11th out of 10 teams. Do you know what place I picked Cousin to finish this year in the VFL preseason rankings? 11th. Do you know, based on points, where he stands right now? 1st. I can’t make this stuff up. Do you know who’s in first in power rankings? Nasty. Do you know where I predicted Nasty to finish in the preseason rankings? 12th. Again, I can’t make this stuff up.


So all of this leads me to my point about Palin and Cousin. I’m finally realizing now why I never did well gambling. I knew that I should always go through my picks and then pick the opposite team, but I’m so strong minded that I never would allow myself to second guess the hamster that runs my brain. Therefore, I’d always end up losing big money. A perfect example: To keep things interesting last year during football playoffs a buddy of mine and I picked each of the playoff games. I ended up going 1 for 12 in the picks and ended up having to pay for his entry fee into our other fantasy league this year. Do you know how rich I’d be if I could ever get myself to pick against my original thoughts? Could the same be said for all of my thoughts regardless of if they’re sports related or not? What’s the opposite profession from teaching? Something that involves work? Maybe a coal miner? Is that my true calling? Would I be the best coal miner ever to mine coal? What’s the opposite of a small Italian women? A fat Norwegian? Should I really have stock in a flour company for sexy time with what should’ve been my fat Norwegian wife? As you can see, my life decisions from now will always be second guessed by myself. Even while saying this, I’m having a hard time convincing myself that everything is going to be ok if McCain suffers another stroke and Mrs. President Palin takes over. If my thinking is right, she’s about to be the best president the US has ever known. Someone check me into a mental hospital.

So, as you can see, I’m no longer feeling confident about my picks, but things seemed to work out for Nasty last week and he didn’t fall victim to the dreaded O’Hara curse, so we’ll do this at least one more week. Here we go:


1) Nasty- Until researching the top part of this article, I didn’t realize that Nasty was my preseason pick to finish in last. This is after Nasty proved me wrong in baseball as well. Favre played out of his mind last week and unfortunately for Nasty is on a bye this week and he’ll go to David Garrard. Even with Favre on a bye, he gets back Harrison and Moss who were both on byes last week. I like Moss to have a huge game tomorrow as well as my sleeper pick, Mushin Muhammed to post numbers close to what he did last week. Nasty get the early season vote for MOY (manager of the year). See if he can stay unbeaten. Ha, who am I kidding, he’s playing Craigger. I could be his QB and he’d still win. Put it in the books. (interesting sidenote to this contest- I have Moss, Muhammed, and Gates in our other league and am playing Craigger this week. Craig’s week in both leagues will live and die based on how these three players do.).

2) Bush- Playing me in week five should propel Bush to 4-1. As we know, this league is all about Ws, no matter how you get them (reference Amanti at number 10 this week). By beating Kinger by 40 last week, it’s hard for me not to bump him ahead of our past number one. After getting to 4-1, Bush can start to rest his players for the playoffs.

3) Coatu- As I mentioned last week, it’s going to be hard with so much RB depth to pick the right one to play. I’m so glad I’m not in that position. Chris Johnson was the man last week while Pittman struggled. I feel like Kinger will eventually stab himself multiple times for continually making the wrong decisions as to who to start. I think he should just trade away his team so he doesn’t stress out about whether to play D’Angelo Williams or Selvin Young like I do every week. Man I hate my team!

4) Pump- Not sure what to write here. Here’s what I’m thinking Mark reminds me of: 1) Kid in a candy shop with how happy he is that his team is winning or 2) Three year old on a long trip constantly asking “Are we there yet?” I’m going to knock Mark down a spot every time he asks for these rankings. By the end of the year he should be 15th. 3) The scene from American Pie where Shitbreak in reference to one of Stiffler’s comments mentions, “I don’t like the kid, but he’s got a point.” Yes, with his impressive 82 point performance (still beat me by 27), Mark gets to move up one slot (mainly because of Greg’s even weaker performance. He probably thinks he should be number one, but now I left him wanting more. Maybe this will get him to stop asking me for these rankings every Tuesday.

5) Legged- As I mentioned above, Cousin has the most points out of everyone in this league. Much like how I think ERA should be the only category to determine the Cy Young, I feel like I’d like to be in a rotisserie football league where the top scoring team for the year wins. Seeing how we aren’t in that kind of league, gives me the right to put Cousin at number five, because I refuse to believe he drafted a better team than me two drafts in a row. Simply unbelievable at this stage of my life.

6) Spunky- Newsflash, I like this team, but here he has three QBs on his team with only one legitimate field player on his bench to substitute in. With three players out on a bye, I question this judgment…. but what do I know, he’s the one that came in first for baseball. Playing a surging Pump, leaves this little Spunkster nervous. It’s hard to call a week five game a must win, but we’re getting pretty close to that for my preseason pick.

7) Crusaders- My how the mighty have fallen. I had Greg at number two only two weeks ago and here he sits at eight. Don’t blame this on me, blame the Cowboys for only running Marion eight times or their defense for merely recording two sacks on the powerhouse of the NFC East, the Washington Redskins. I fully expect this team to bounce back and get into the playoffs, but as for now, they’ll stay here at eight.

8) Quevin- Kevin was one broken sinus away from tying the number one team, Nasty, last week. Warner’s 30+ yard touchdown pass to Boldin would have given Kevin the necessary 10 points to tie Nasty. Unfortunately for him and Boldin, things didn’t go accordingly. We are beginning to see what happens when teams don’t have benches as Kevin was one of seven teams who had players that didn’t record a single point for their team. There were many others that had players that only scored one point. This is why I believe strong benches are needed in this league.

9) dc- The only thing keeping him above Amanti and Craigger is this guy’s belief that Matt Forte is the next big thing (expect an ACL tear this week). With a couple RBs on byes, this could be the week that he drops below Amanti and Craigger… of course he’ll still stay ahead of me regardless of what happens.

10) Gamers- Without Larry Johnson last week, this team could have sunk to new lows. Even with a LJ resurgence, this team is still weak. The only thing going for him, besides playing Craigger last week, is playing Dan this week. The only thing better would be if he played Craig or me this week. Maybe he only needs to post 65 this week to keep his winning streak going.

11) Tasha- So it turns out that the Guru actually overestimated Craig’s team. As I mentioned last week, I can’t remember the Guru ever predicting under 80 for a team, yet he predicted only 59 for Craig last week. Craig made the Guru look pretty smart by posting a whopping 57. Amazingly, Amanti only scored 61 to get the win. Talk about playing the right opponent at the right time.

12) Smokey- My team is horrendous. Now I simply get to route for my Skins as I have finally called upon Jason Campbell to be my on-field general. I would be offering up ridiculous trades if I felt that I had anyone on my team that anyone else would want. This team is the lowest point I’ve ever encountered in my fantasy tenure. I’m embarrassed.

Power Rankings Week Three

Many of you don't know this, but I have always enjoyed picking on my good friend Christian (Tasha Pleasant). Whether it's his affection for big girls, his narcolepsy, or the fact that he actually likes to wear the dresses in his relationships, there's always something to pick on. Someday he's going to show up at my house with a shotgun, but until then... I need to say that I think we've reached a new low. His 39 point week three performance has to be some sort of record. Not a single one of his players scored in double digits. Not only that, but one player, Ronnie Brown, had more points than his entire team. All I can say is, WOW. I feel badly for the big girls in downtown Springfield, VT. Someone is going to get a sore ass.

Anyways, I hope you guys also know that I'm ok poking fun at myself as well. Whether it seems it or not, I really take this power rankings thing seriously. I look at each of the rosters, look at all of the bench slots, look at the free agent wire pickups and make my picks based on which teams I really believe are the class of the VFFL. No matter how much time I vest into these rankings, the teams I expect to do well, usually tank. Jon has fallen victim to my early confidence and now sits as the only winless team. My apologies to Jon. Amanti on the other hand I had all but written off, only to have him come back with a nice week three performance. I don’t foresee CBS calling me anytime soon to be the new Jimmy the Greek.

The funniest thing about these rankings was my recent realization that I didn't even put Kyle's team on the ranking order in last week's blog. I can only assume he didn't read the blog or he didn't mention anything because not even being mentioned on the rankings must mean that his team was going to have a monster week. Well, he's on the rankings this week and he's pretty high up, so look for a stinky week coming for team Bush.

... it won't be long before teams are writing to me to ask that they don't get put on the rankings, or maybe if they are put on the rankings, they're placed on the bottom. Maybe I can even begin to use this as a bargaining chip when negotiating trades. Trade me Marion Jones for Fred Jackson or I'll put you as number one in the power rankings. Anyone ever see the movie, The Cooler? Yup, that’s me in real life!

With all of this said, here are the week three power rankings (my apologies to Nasty):

1) Nasty- I've said for the last three weeks that this starting nine is one of the best in the league. Now with Rudi Johnson looking like the go-to back in Detroit and the potential lingering issue to LT makes Sproles a nice bye week option. Now I will say that he has four people on a bye this week, so if he flops, it's not only because I put him at number one this week.

2) Coatu- No question in my mind that he has the most depth at quality RBs in the league. I bet he's wishing that this was a keeper league in which you could keep four or five guys. Unfortunately for him, they're all young (except Pittman and Westbrook) and figuring out which ones are going to have good weeks is going to prove challenging. Let's see how King does in this pretty unfamiliar place for him.

3) Bush- If LT stays healthy, this is a going to be a strong team throughout. Brees if finally looking like he's hitting his stride and even on an off week, Jacobs finds the endzone. Even more so than Nasty, the worry here is his bench. Not sure how he's going to do throughout the next few bye weeks.

4) Monroe- This team could very well struggle this week (Good news for G that I’m saying this). I fully expect Spunky to be victorious (not sure why, but I know Jon is going to be upset with this prediction). With Wayne and idiot boy, Burress, in this lineup, he’s a formidable squad. Without them, he’s susceptible to an 0-3 team beating him down.

5) Pump- No Manning. No Addai. No problem. Luckily for Mark, he’s playing me this week. Even without these guys, he’s a 22 point favorite. Yup, that’s how solid my team is. He should continue to build on his performance from last week and be 2-2 through his first four games. By the way, did anyone else notice that Mark had three Defenses on his team last week and picked the one that scored the fewest points. It’s bad enough carrying three Ds, but then to pick the worst one, that’s just a shot to the groin.

6) Spunky- As mentioned above, I firmly believe this team will overcome horrendous management to find a way to beat up on Little G. If at some point he gets a chance to check his team to see that he has Roy Williams on a bye, he may actually have a chance to post his first W. I’m going to keep the votes of confidence going with this team- He definitely gets into the playoffs this year!

7) Legged- Being listed as a 23 point underdog to Dan has to knock you down a few spots in the power rankings. He is going without Dominick Rhodes who is on a bye, so that’s probably why he’s such a big underdog. My bold prediction this week would have to be that Cousin’s kicker, Matt Prater, will have more points than Steven Jackson. If that’s the case, Cousin will drop in next week’s power rankings.

8) Quevin- This team has potential… just wondering if it has the right guy at the helm. Could we see our first firing of a fantasy manager ever? Kevin is as secure as Lane Kiffin right now. The ax could fall at any point. How do you let Ronnie Brown sit on your bench when you know he’s going to light up the listless Patriots D? C’mon, everyone knew he was going to score five times! A new captain may be needed for this sinking ship.

9) dc- This is a matchup (Cousin against Dan) to see who is better at drafting a fantasy team. Cousin takes credit for Dan’s success in baseball, while Dan contends it was his management throughout the year that got him to the mountaintop. I guess this week’s matchup will shed some light on the real truth.

10) Gamers- Johnson, Housh, and Roddy Roddy Piper showed signs of life last week. Even with these signs, he’s in a precarious situation at QB. Doesn’t look like Derek Anderson is going to be starting many more games and I really think the Giants team is going to be primarily a running team this year. We’ll have to wait and see.

11) Tasha- Ok, so it’s bad enough when you score 39 in a week, but then to have the CBS “Guru” say you’re only going to get 59 this week is even worse. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this number under 80. I thought for sure Craig had some players with byes in his starting lineup only to find out that he didn’t. This could be another very ugly week for Mr. Craig.

12) Burt- Do you know that I’ve been waking up in cold-sweats thinking of the Tom Brady injury. How could Tommy let me down? By the way, anyone else find it interesting that Tommy B is nowhere to be found on the Pat’s sideline? Much like the Pats, Tommy hasn’t even texted me to help in the development of JT O’Sullivan. My team blows!

Power Rankings- Week Two

Our Fearless Week Two Power Rankings Leader, Chris King

I was upset that I didn't write this sooner, but I was going to predict that Adrian Peterson was going to suffer a devastating injury in the next two weeks. There's no way he lasts throughout the season and he may be done already... even if it is for only one week. Him going down is the only way I won't feel awful for drafting Tommy Boy. The way he gets hit and the way he twists and turns, he's definitely going to suffer a knee injury very soon.

So in my week one power rankings, I said that Buffy East and Spunky Bancroft were underrated and should be placed higher due to key players underperforming in week one. How do they repay me? By laying an egg in week two. I still like these two teams, although they have dropped in this week's rankings.

1) Coatu- King- By pasting 135 on Pump on Sunday, Kinger didn't do anything to warrant moving from the number one slot.

2) Monroe- Greg- By pasting 140 on Buffy on Sunday, Big G didn't' do anything to warrant moving from the number two slot.

3) Nasty- Even on a down week for Nasty, he still beat up on poor Amanti. Is it too late to call Amanti officially out of the playoffs? Nasty's upside is pretty high, but the bench is still a big concern. He'll need to stay healthy. I think I called LenDale White being a bust, but my thoughts of Marvin Harrison having a bounce back year came into question in week two.

4) Spunky- I still feel like this is a top five team. Heck, I'd even go so far as calling this a top three team. Not sure where his weaknesses are. Jon is probably wishing that I would stop celebrating his team as my confidence usually means the death to fantasy teams. I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that he has the high score this week.

5) Tasha- We knew that Craigger needed a big injury to propel his team forward, and the fantasy gods obliged by cutting down Fargas on Sunday. Now McFadden has to prove he's worthy. Still, the majority of his points came from his kicker and defense in week two. Can he expect that every week?

6) Lover- I have to put Cousin at this point, even though it's hard. I may be believing in McNabb a little more after the performance I saw on Monday night. He looked good. Michael Turner came back to earth... and I'm not sure he'll ever get crazy again this year.

7) Buffy- The only other more disappointing team up to this point, besides the Spunksters, has to be Buffy. Brees, Tomlinson, Jacobs, and Holmes have the talent to carry, but haven't yet all shown up on the same week.

8) Quevin- Is Romo the number one fantasy player now? Him combined with Lynch, Boldin, and the Pats D makes him a formidable foe. Unfortunately, the rest of his team is as good as Amanti and mine. 80 points a week will be the average for Quevin.

9) Pump- When is this bunch of underperformers going to be inspired? I think Mark needs a little closed door meeting with his bunch of hooligans. Is this the week that Manning and Addai finally show up?

10) Smokey- With Nick Folk, anything is possible. Down 10 points going into Monday night, Mr. Folk gave me the necessary points to squeeze out my first and possibly last win of the season. With Selvin Young and Deangelo Williams leading this offense, look for the Smokey Burts to remain in the basement.

11) dc- Getting Steve Smith will be a nice addition, but it's like icing on a pile of poo. Not much there to put the icing on.

12) Gamers- ... and then there was one. Remember when Amanti was always a contender in fantasy? Thankfully for us, he's now a doctor saving lives and doesn't have time for such silly games.

Week One Power Rankings

Week One Power Rankings:

I’ll try to adjust power rankings every week. We’ll see how that goes.

Brady going down killed my fantasy season. My team wasn’t good to begin with, now they’re downright awful. It’ll be interesting to see how this injury affects the Moss and Maroney and Welkers of the world. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. The funniest part of this injury, if there is one, is Mark sent me an e-mail when it happened wondering what I was going to do about my fantasy team. Does he realize that Brady plays for his beloved Patriots? I think he thinks this is Madden 2008 and he can simply not save the game, turn the console off, and start Brady again and pretend this injury never happened.

No other big injuries in week one (I’m not counting a overblown suicide story), so my power rankings are simply which players decided on stepping up in week one.

Here are my power rankings after one week:

1) Coatu Hazel- Kinger
Only weakness is tight end. Could this be the year of the King? He could be scary good if Perry, Johnson, Smith, and Slaton achieve to their potential.

2) Monroe Cedar- Big G
Great starting nine. Cutler was a nice surprise in week one and Marion Barber looked like an absolute beast. Only worry at this point is his bench.

3) Buffy East- Kyle
This team is much better than their week one performance. Brees, Tomlinson, Jacobs, Holmes will turn this team around. I still think they are one of the scariest teams to face.

4) Spunky Bancroft- Jon
I’m still not buying that Carson Palmer is going to have as bad a 2008 as he did a 2007. I’m looking for a big rebound this week. Gore and Peterson could be the best one-two punch of running backs. You’re welcome Jon for my great Brady pick at number two.

5) One Legged- Cousin
Yeah, he had a big week one. But are people really buying Donovan being that good all year? Michael Turner? On the upside, Steven Jackson did nothing so he’ll be a welcome addition when he decides to show up.

6) Pappa Pump- Stro
Talk about a team underachieving in week one. I would have their power ranking much higher if they hadn’t fallen on their face in week one. Manning, Addai, Jones-Drew, Jennings, Marshall… are you kidding me? He’ll be there in the end.

7) Big Nasty- Big Nasty
Another good starting nine. I would worry about LenDale White (see Johnson above), but on the upside, it looks like Marvin Harrison was a good pick up fairly late in the draft. What’s going to happen to Moss? We’ll have to wait to see.

8) Buster Nasty- Dan
If I were to name this team, I’d call them the War Heroes. There are more veterans on this team than any other. Matt Forte doesn’t know how he ever got himself in such a predictament..

9) Tasha Pleasant- Craigger
I have a feeling Craigger will always start the wrong people on the wrong week every week and thus he'll have more points on his bench more often than he does in his starting line up. I still think he has the second worst running back core behind yours truly.

10) Cuddles Norridgewalk- Kevin
Besides Romo and Lynch, this is the Has-Been team. A lot of his player achieved glory in years past. Can the do it again? This guy doesn’t think so.

11) Smokey Burt- Jeff
My team is atrocious. Let’s just say that I have Justin Gage starting in my flex spot. Let’s hope Kerry Collins remembers how to throw the ball. Looks like Selvin Young is going to fall victim to Shanahan’s ridiculous running back decisions. This is going to be a tough year. I’m so glad six teams are getting into the playoffs.

12) Duke Skyline- Amanti
I thought for sure I was going to be number 12. He’s gotten in the habit of blaming his busy schedule on his lack of fantasy knowledge, but he had an easy August and you know he was able to think about and then set up his line up for week one. The end result, 54 points in week one. I had more and Brady played for only 8 snaps or so. Now he doesn’t even know that Heap isn’t playing this week. Someone tell this kid that a hurricane hit the United States two nights ago.

2008 Fantasy Football Predictions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKgPY1adc0A

I wish I could embed this video into Blogger, but I can't. As I'm sure you have all seen, this video is our high school educated leader of the free world reiterating one of Tennessee's oldest sayings, "Fool me once.... (long pause).... shame on... (long pause)....shame on you... (pause), you fool me, you can't get fooled again."

This is the best way I can begin to share the results of my preseason predictions. Dan's team is ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS. I'm not sure there is a player on his team I would take if they were all on waivers. I never thought that I could ever imagine saying this, but I honestly believe that Cousin drafted a better team. Why do I mention all of this? Because I've learned my lesson. If I hadn't learned my lesson, I would once again pick Dan to finish in 13th place. I would call him the fat girl in the bar that only Craigger wants to screw. I would say that the only chance people wouldn't laugh at him publicly would be because they would be trying to figure out if he was special or not. This is how I truly look at his team. There can't be anyway that I'm wrong twice, is there? Are people with me or not on this one? To show that I've learned my lesson, however, I am without hesitation picking him to be the league champion. There's something magical about Danny Boy that we should all hope to attain just once in our lives.

This is what his team reminds me of...

As for the us little people, only two teams stood out as having good drafts in my eyes, and I'm not one of them. Jon, when not taking a verbal beating from Stro, usually shows pretty well. At the point of this writing, it looks as if he's secured a playoff spot in the VFBL. I'm impressed with his team and think he had the best draft out of anyone. If it wasn't for Dan, I'd have him winning it all. We can call him the Gisele of our league. No one really has a shot at her... except maybe someone with lots of money... maybe a lawyer?



That's right, Big G had and outstanding draft. All I can think of when writing something nice about the man who once threatened my life, is how much he reminds me of Wimpy from Popeye. He's the big, loveable type of guy who plays dumb, but in the end is friendly with everyone and kind of knows his shit? Oh, and let's not forget that they both love hamburgers... and they both have great physiques.

I have Kyle as the third best team (or fourth if you count the eventual champion, Dan). If we are still going with "who does Kyle's team remind me of if they were famous", this would be an easy selection for me- Jenna Fischer (that chick from the office). This unassuming crew (led by LT), is just like Miss Fischer. Not that sexy of a pick, but when the night or season is over and you wake up and she's on top, you're not surprised at all. It'll be interesting to see if the experts are right that TE, D, and kickers are overrated, because at this point, he has the worst three going.

With six teams making the playoffs, I'm fairly certain the three directly above will be in the playoffs. If I was a betting man, I'd do a three team parlay and like my chances quite a bit. As for the rest of us ass-clowns, what were we doing? Our teams are all either awful, on the verge of awful, or not quite complete. Mark is missing a fifth RB/WR, I'm missing a first tier RB, Amanti is missing a superstar, Craigger is missing any RB that will touch the ball more than twice in the game, Kinger missed a QB in the first 13 rounds, Kevin missed the point of needing quality players on his bench, and I think Nasty fell off of the dock and completely missed the boat. Again, it's not a good thing when Cousin is predicted to finish ahead of you. I think, at our best, we're the Brat Pack, just happy to be compared with the ones that came before us.

Yes, I know this isn't the Brat Pack... just relax and enjoy.

Without any more babble, here is how the season will end:


CHAMPION:

Buster Nasty (Dan)
Strength- His baseball team did better than I imagined
Worries- That Cousin may have drafted a better team
Weaknesses- Everyone on his team

RUNNER UP:

Spunky Bancroft (Jon)
Strength- Best starting nine
Worries- RB depth
Weaknesses- The only weakness I can find, and it was hard, was wondering if Carson was going to throw it to the other team more than to his teammates.

THIRD:

Monroe Cedar (Greg)
Strength- Strong across the board
Worries- Can his yougsters reach their potential
Weaknesses- Can Cutler be a number one QB?

FOURTH

Buffy East (Kyle)
Strengths- RB and QB
Worries- Do Holmes, Bowe, and Jackson reach their potential at WR
Weakness- TE, K, and Def
Dangerous team if everything comes together.

FIFTH

Smokey Burt (Jeff)

Strengths- Quarterback
Worries- Young at RB
Weaknesses-RB Depth
Brady- 2nd overall... big hopes for Selvin, Rashard

SIXTH (LAST TEAM TO MAKE PLAYOFFS)

Coatu Hazel (Kinger)
Strength- RB Depth- Someone will pan out for him
Worries- Every single one of his RB is in a time-share with someone else- who will step up?
Weaknesses- QB and WR depth

SEVENTH

Smokey Cristopher (Stro)
Strength- Manning and Addai
Worries- Manning and Addai (don't they play on the same team?)
Weaknesses- Finding a fifth guy to start at WR/RB consistently

EIGHTH

Duke Skyline (Amanti)
Strength- I think his strength on his team is that he doesn't have any discernable weaknesses... although he doesn't have any great stand out strenghths, either.
Worries- Can Derek Anderson repeat his 2007 campaign. This guy doesn't think so.
Weaknesses- Depth at every position

NINTH

Cuddles Norridgewalk (Kevin)
Strength- QB
Worries- All 2006 team (Boldin, Johnson, Brown, Maroney)- Do they still have something to prove?
Weaknesses- Entire bench, with the exception of Ginn and Bulger, shouldn't have been drafted

TENTH

Tasha Pleasant (Craigger)
Strength- Best WR trio out of the whole league
Worries-QBs- Garrard and Russell could be good... but they could also be bad.
Weaknesses- RBs- Every single one of his running backs is second in line in a time-share role. Unless there are some major injuries, he'll need to trade one of his receivers for a legit running back.


ELEVENTH

One Legged Lover (Cousin)
Strength- Top RB (Jackson) Top WR (Colston)
Worries- Age and experience at RB... Also think Kitna will start more games for him than McNabb
Weaknesses- Starting nine is weaker than most

TWELFTH

Beau Admiral Nimitz (Nasty)

Strength- Randy Moss

Worries- Brett Favre- Does he even still play?

Weakness- No bench

Reggie and LenDale are once again reunited hoping for a run at a title