I know I’m speaking to what I can only assume is a bunch of conservatives from Mass, but c’mon. I was watching the VP debate on Thursday night and didn’t mind that The Office was not on or that I was making the conscious decision to delay watching the Real World- Island episode that I had taped the previous night, because I knew that this debate would provide more comic and reality television than these other two options combined. Lucky for me, it didn’t disappoint. I began to watch and immediately heard Palin say that the way she would tell if the economy was good was by going to a soccer game and asking a soccer mom what she thought. If this soccer mom said the economy was struggling than the economy was probably in bad shape. Are you serious?????? So, after the 50th “Gosh darn” and “You’d better believe it” I was happy knowing that no one in their right mind would vote for McCain/Palin as the Maverick (one of the coolest nicknames of all time) is one tick short of leaving this Palin chick in charge. This thought lasted until I saw my good friend, Drew, online. I chatted with him over this cool internet thing we have and began to poke fun at the second stupidest person in the US (behind our wonderful present president, of course). Unbelievably to me, he began to defend Palin. I honestly thought he was kidding at first. But, no, he wasn’t. I then made fun of him on an e-mail that had a few people on it and someone else came running to Palin’s defense. I pinched myself and, even though I feel like half of my life is just one big dream that I’m soon to awake out of only to realize that I’m 80 with only a few days left to live, I didn’t wake up. Could it be possible that there are people out there that think this dipshit can run our country? Is it because another jackass has done it for eight years and we have only come close to self imploding many times… but we’re still the USA so it must be doable? What are people thinking?
And then there’s Cousin. I’m beginning to hate this kid more and more. He picked Dan’s fantasy baseball team and I picked that team to finish in 11th. As we all know, Dan rewarded Cousin with some winnings as Dan finished in FIRST. Are you kidding me? FIRST! This after I picked Dan to finish 11th out of 10 teams. Do you know what place I picked Cousin to finish this year in the VFL preseason rankings? 11th. Do you know, based on points, where he stands right now? 1st. I can’t make this stuff up. Do you know who’s in first in power rankings? Nasty. Do you know where I predicted Nasty to finish in the preseason rankings? 12th. Again, I can’t make this stuff up.
So all of this leads me to my point about Palin and Cousin. I’m finally realizing now why I never did well gambling. I knew that I should always go through my picks and then pick the opposite team, but I’m so strong minded that I never would allow myself to second guess the hamster that runs my brain. Therefore, I’d always end up losing big money. A perfect example: To keep things interesting last year during football playoffs a buddy of mine and I picked each of the playoff games. I ended up going 1 for 12 in the picks and ended up having to pay for his entry fee into our other fantasy league this year. Do you know how rich I’d be if I could ever get myself to pick against my original thoughts? Could the same be said for all of my thoughts regardless of if they’re sports related or not? What’s the opposite profession from teaching? Something that involves work? Maybe a coal miner? Is that my true calling? Would I be the best coal miner ever to mine coal? What’s the opposite of a small Italian women? A fat Norwegian? Should I really have stock in a flour company for sexy time with what should’ve been my fat Norwegian wife? As you can see, my life decisions from now will always be second guessed by myself. Even while saying this, I’m having a hard time convincing myself that everything is going to be ok if McCain suffers another stroke and Mrs. President Palin takes over. If my thinking is right, she’s about to be the best president the US has ever known. Someone check me into a mental hospital.
So, as you can see, I’m no longer feeling confident about my picks, but things seemed to work out for Nasty last week and he didn’t fall victim to the dreaded O’Hara curse, so we’ll do this at least one more week. Here we go:
1) Nasty- Until researching the top part of this article, I didn’t realize that Nasty was my preseason pick to finish in last. This is after Nasty proved me wrong in baseball as well. Favre played out of his mind last week and unfortunately for Nasty is on a bye this week and he’ll go to David Garrard. Even with Favre on a bye, he gets back Harrison and Moss who were both on byes last week. I like Moss to have a huge game tomorrow as well as my sleeper pick, Mushin Muhammed to post numbers close to what he did last week. Nasty get the early season vote for MOY (manager of the year). See if he can stay unbeaten. Ha, who am I kidding, he’s playing Craigger. I could be his QB and he’d still win. Put it in the books. (interesting sidenote to this contest- I have Moss, Muhammed, and Gates in our other league and am playing Craigger this week. Craig’s week in both leagues will live and die based on how these three players do.).
2) Bush- Playing me in week five should propel Bush to 4-1. As we know, this league is all about Ws, no matter how you get them (reference Amanti at number 10 this week). By beating Kinger by 40 last week, it’s hard for me not to bump him ahead of our past number one. After getting to 4-1, Bush can start to rest his players for the playoffs.
3) Coatu- As I mentioned last week, it’s going to be hard with so much RB depth to pick the right one to play. I’m so glad I’m not in that position. Chris Johnson was the man last week while Pittman struggled. I feel like Kinger will eventually stab himself multiple times for continually making the wrong decisions as to who to start. I think he should just trade away his team so he doesn’t stress out about whether to play D’Angelo Williams or Selvin Young like I do every week. Man I hate my team!
4) Pump- Not sure what to write here. Here’s what I’m thinking Mark reminds me of: 1) Kid in a candy shop with how happy he is that his team is winning or 2) Three year old on a long trip constantly asking “Are we there yet?” I’m going to knock Mark down a spot every time he asks for these rankings. By the end of the year he should be 15th. 3) The scene from American Pie where Shitbreak in reference to one of Stiffler’s comments mentions, “I don’t like the kid, but he’s got a point.” Yes, with his impressive 82 point performance (still beat me by 27), Mark gets to move up one slot (mainly because of Greg’s even weaker performance. He probably thinks he should be number one, but now I left him wanting more. Maybe this will get him to stop asking me for these rankings every Tuesday.
5) Legged- As I mentioned above, Cousin has the most points out of everyone in this league. Much like how I think ERA should be the only category to determine the Cy Young, I feel like I’d like to be in a rotisserie football league where the top scoring team for the year wins. Seeing how we aren’t in that kind of league, gives me the right to put Cousin at number five, because I refuse to believe he drafted a better team than me two drafts in a row. Simply unbelievable at this stage of my life.
6) Spunky- Newsflash, I like this team, but here he has three QBs on his team with only one legitimate field player on his bench to substitute in. With three players out on a bye, I question this judgment…. but what do I know, he’s the one that came in first for baseball. Playing a surging Pump, leaves this little Spunkster nervous. It’s hard to call a week five game a must win, but we’re getting pretty close to that for my preseason pick.
7) Crusaders- My how the mighty have fallen. I had Greg at number two only two weeks ago and here he sits at eight. Don’t blame this on me, blame the Cowboys for only running Marion eight times or their defense for merely recording two sacks on the powerhouse of the NFC East, the Washington Redskins. I fully expect this team to bounce back and get into the playoffs, but as for now, they’ll stay here at eight.
8) Quevin- Kevin was one broken sinus away from tying the number one team, Nasty, last week. Warner’s 30+ yard touchdown pass to Boldin would have given Kevin the necessary 10 points to tie Nasty. Unfortunately for him and Boldin, things didn’t go accordingly. We are beginning to see what happens when teams don’t have benches as Kevin was one of seven teams who had players that didn’t record a single point for their team. There were many others that had players that only scored one point. This is why I believe strong benches are needed in this league.
9) dc- The only thing keeping him above Amanti and Craigger is this guy’s belief that Matt Forte is the next big thing (expect an ACL tear this week). With a couple RBs on byes, this could be the week that he drops below Amanti and Craigger… of course he’ll still stay ahead of me regardless of what happens.
10) Gamers- Without Larry Johnson last week, this team could have sunk to new lows. Even with a LJ resurgence, this team is still weak. The only thing going for him, besides playing Craigger last week, is playing Dan this week. The only thing better would be if he played Craig or me this week. Maybe he only needs to post 65 this week to keep his winning streak going.
11) Tasha- So it turns out that the Guru actually overestimated Craig’s team. As I mentioned last week, I can’t remember the Guru ever predicting under 80 for a team, yet he predicted only 59 for Craig last week. Craig made the Guru look pretty smart by posting a whopping 57. Amazingly, Amanti only scored 61 to get the win. Talk about playing the right opponent at the right time.
12) Smokey- My team is horrendous. Now I simply get to route for my Skins as I have finally called upon Jason Campbell to be my on-field general. I would be offering up ridiculous trades if I felt that I had anyone on my team that anyone else would want. This team is the lowest point I’ve ever encountered in my fantasy tenure. I’m embarrassed.
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