Amanti Makes the Playoffs!

By the numbers:

-Amanti would make the playoffs if they started today, despite the fact that he has the fewest overall points this year. I still can't believe we don't use power rankings to determine playoffs.

-The past residents of the Homo Hotel (Craig, Amanti, and me) have the three lowest point totals out of everyone (360, 363, 364), which makes me wonder what we did while we all lived together to make us so collectively bad at anything revolving fantasies.

-Nasty and I put identical beat downs on our opponents last week (105-70). The only difference- I beat a legitimate team while Nasty was his typical bully self and stuffed Craig in a locker and pissed all over him.

-Nasty has outscored his opponents this year by 143 points. Next closest, 72, by Cousin. He's lapping the field at this point.

-90... the percentage of chance that Jon shows up on my doorstep threatening my wife if I don't stop telling people he has a good team.

-10... the percentage of chance I listen to Jon when he shows up.

-Craig, Amanti, and I are listed in the coaches ratings (whatever the hell this is) on the CBS site as the 9th, 10th, and 11th worst coaches in the league. Strangely enough, Jon is listed as the worst. Maybe it's not me. By the way, did anyone catch the Sports Guy rant on his fantasy league? The person who finishes in first has to kick someone out of the league (they're able to apply for reinstatement the following year). I LOVE this rule...even though I'd be the one out as I piss everyone off.

-Our top 20 draft picks: LT, Tommy B, AP, Westbrook, Manning, Jackson, Lynch, Portis, Owens, Lewis, Johnson, Wayne, Graham, Housh, T Jones, McFadden, Bush, Maroney, Turner, MJD, K. Smith, Palmer, A. Johnson, McGahee... only four of these top 24 picks are in the top 11 in overall points for QB, RB, WR, and TE. FOUR out of 24!!! Talk about sucking at making picks. Who are those four you may want to know? Turner leading with 89, Portis with 79, AP with 66, and Bush with 65. The top seven overall picks: LT, Brady, AP, Westbrook, Manning, Jackson, and Lynch no where to be found.

When looking at the numbers, it’s easy to figure out the power rankings this week:

1) Nasty- Even with Favre out and a mediocre performance from Garrard, Nasty still managed to have the highest point total of the week. At some point he’s going to falter and it could be this week against a strong, but recently underperforming, Bush team. Even so, as mentioned above, the big guy has exploded out of the starters gate and is now in Husein Bolt coast mode. Anyone else see the similarities of Bolt and Nasty?

2) Pump- I think PP is the only one that wants to be on the top of this list. I shouldn’t look into the future, but his match-up with a horrendous Quevin team should propel him forward in his quest for a playoff slot. I’m not worried about the Colts as everyone else seems to be. I’d rather be in their shoes than the Pat’s. Completely off subject now, but Cassell looks scared shitless in the pocket. Can Pat’s fans see this too, or are you blinded by the Bill Belichick blinding aura?

3) Legged- These Lovers probably have a legitimate gripe not being in the two spot, but I can’t put a team higher than three if the majority of their team is as old or older than me. I can barely run to the end of my driver without waking up sore, so I will continue to believe that this bunch of old-timers will eventually wear down and need to take a break every other week which will limit the potential of this team… especially when we get to the playoffs.

4) Bush- He says he was cursed, but really his team just laid an egg. When six players account for only 21 total points, you know that you’re approaching the land that only Craigger is accustomed. This week will prove a lot to me as Bush faces off again Bolt… or I mean Nasty. Can Nasty continue to glide to the finish or will Kyle Bush be able to overtake him in the last lap? Stay tuned to find out.

5) Coatu- Much like the team underneath him, Coatu has fallen in recent weeks. Yes, he won last week, but losing Westbrook can’t be underscored. I see he has Buckhalter in his lineup which is a good move, but he’s no BW. With Chris Perry quickly coming out of favor in Cincy, he no longer has the RB depth he had a few weeks ago. Luckily for him, he’s facing the medicine man, Dan, this week (you know, the team that will make you finally feel better if you’re not playing well). Being this low may be a temporary stop for Coatu… unless he loses this week which would mean an absolute drop. You gotta win the games you’re supposed to win.

6) Crusaders- Starting at this point, Greg and the next two teams all lost last week. I figured these three slots based on who was the biggest loser (Kevin) last week. Kevin gave a piss poor performance and lost by 28, while the little Spunkster lost be 13 and Mr. Crusader lost by nine. Thus, Greg gets top billing over the other two losers. Does that make Greg the biggest loser or Kevin? Or are all three losers? Regardless of who is the biggest loser, they’re still above the hobbits in the basement.

7) Spunky- If I was right about anything, it was that this little Spunkster would be in trouble facing a hard charging Pappa Pump. I didn’t imagine my curse would cause him to score the lowest point total of the week, but now that his power ranking has sunk out of the playoff picture, expect a big week (oops, is this cursing him again?).

8) Quevin- This Boldin injury couldn’t have come at a worse time for Quevin. At the time this was being written, Quevin is a 60 point dog to Pappa Pump. The wonderful guru has him only scoring 56. This has to be the first time someone is an underdog by more points than the guru is picking for that team to score. Quevin is walking a fine line of becoming a hobbit and joining us that live in the basement.

9) Gamers- Anyone catch that this is Amanti’s third win in a row? Not sure if this is funny or not, but even winning three in a row has him only at nine in the power rankings. As mentioned before, Amanti would be in the playoffs if they were to start today. Unfortunately, a win this week against me won’t prove much, so it may be hard for him to move higher this week unless Quevin lays another egg.

10) dc- Again, dc was in danger of falling below Craig and me, but the Forte character runs with power and grace. I’m not calling him the next Sweetness, but I think he may be a little shorter than Walter so maybe we could start calling him Sweet and Low. He’s the only thing on this team worth mentioning.

11) Smokey- Whoa, what a beat down I put on the pathetic Bush team. Here I thought they were a much better team…. how wrong could I have been? They were dreadful as they allowed Deangelo Williams to trounce all over them. Smokey is going to ride the momentum into week six and hopeful be able to eek out another victory against the subpar Gamers. If this happens, sitting at 3-3 for a perennial playoff contender will put fear into all of those in the heavens.

12) Chester (group formerly known as Tasha)- Changing his name and the stupid logo on his helmet won’t improve this team. By the way, who spends time designing a helmet for fantasy… and what does the M stand for if you’re name is the Chester Catamounts? You’re making your team dumber just by being its manager. If it weren’t for Jon, you’d win the Lane Kiffin award for fantasy.