Take it to the bank!!!

So, I’ve gotten the hard part done. I’ve written five pages of predictions on this Microsoft Word document that I will soon transfer into the blog. I definitely didn’t do this with the intention of it being so long and boring, but figured you’d have ten minutes of free time to read my ridiculous thoughts. I’m feeling it’s very straightforward and not very funny, but hopefully I have some creative wit left for later in the year. My dial-up internet is absolutely unacceptable and therefore this will be picture-less as I don’t have the patience to wait for pictures to download. So, take it for what it’s worth- A bored dude’s assessment of each team.

With 12 teams, it’s interesting to see how there doesn’t seem to be anyone with a spectacular team. It seems like expansion has led to a bunch of mediocre to above average teams; none too great and only one or two absolutely dismal teams. Along with my own thoughts, I have a lot of help from people that Amanti has named “they.” This has come from many years of telling Amanti stuff like, “They say he’s going to be huge this year. They say his arm is giving him troubles. They say I have a chance with that hot blonde tonight.” So, I’ve reference “they” a couple of times below and wanted to give a little reference to this.

I also want to address the growing notion that these predictions are more accurate if you were to take the teams I thought would miss the playoffs and put them in the playoffs and vice versa. Just to remind everyone, I was five of six in football this past year which is pretty solid. Sure, I may have struggled in my ’08 baseball predictions, but this year will be the true test. I will put my wife up for one night if I don’t nail four of six in my playoff predictions. Either I will get nailed or you’ll get to nail my wife. Win/Win for everyone!

A not so brief assessment of your team’s draft followed by my formal predictions (done in alphabetical order by team name):

Jon’s Team (Friggin the happy face symbol- Can someone beat him until he changes this- Does anyone realize how much this annoys me to have a team named after a elementary school IM symbol?):

Jon definitely had the best keepers entering draft day (Hanley and Braun). Being absent during the draft was the great equalizer for this team as he ended up with a bunch of starting outfielders that I don’t think I’d go after on waivers (Coco, Vlady, Damon, and Dye). For what it’s worth, he has a bunch of closers and should win that category in most weeks. He has a great amount of speed and should win in that category in most weeks, too. So, having mentioned those two categories, I predict he more often goes 2-8 than 8-2. His starting pitching staff will be ridiculously good some weeks and probably pretty horrendous in other week’s as it’s filled with inconsistent guys like Garland, Greinke, Myers, and Weaver. Not too much potential for this club except for Gordon finally becoming the star that everyone has predicted he’d someday be and this Aviles character from KC that is supposedly pretty good. Other than that, we know what we’re getting from his guys and it’s not pretty.

Craig’s Team- Big and Tall

Everyone should know this about me now, but anything you say to me in confidence or otherwise will most likely be used in this blog. Consider me always “on the record.” Craig knows this all too well and on Friday he “chatted” me with these four words: “I love my team!” Granted, I’ve looked at his team as closely as all others and there are things I like about it, but there are definitely holes which make him very vulnerable to any other team. Let’s start with what I like as it’s more fun to dump on the bad side at the end… kind of like waiting to have my dessert. His starting pitching could be very good. Liriano is primed to have a Cy Young year (or have his arm fall off… whichever happens first), Slowly is pitching incredibly well and could be on the verge of greatness, “they” say that Kershaw, Volquez, and Chamberlain are ready to take the next step and I believe that to be true. Ok, seems like I’m ready to pick Craig to win it all. Hold on. That’s about all I like about this team. Here are his weaknesses we’re all going to exploit: Let’s start with his pitching as he only has eight pitchers. As he’s relying on these eight, I’ll be throwing in all kinds of schmucks against his eight to win the “wins” and “ks” categories, all but negating the ERA and WHIP categories that he’ll probably win. As he’ll be chasing saves all year, we’re all most likely going to beat him in this category as well. I look at his offense and see a bit of potential, but I also see many of his players’ average at .270 or worse. He’ll lose average almost every week. He also has some guys that will be eligible for AARP soon. Does he expect anything out of Posada, Ibanez, Young, and, gasp, Ortiz? I don’t. Can you really forfeit four positions and still be in contention in the end. I see young Craigger being the Royals of the American League. Better than people think, but nowhere close to having a chance.

Matt- Big Nasty

You know the scene from American Pie where Shitbreak says, “I don’t like the kid, but he has a point.” Could I change that line slightly to make it, “I like the kid, but he doesn’t have a chance” to describe Nasty’s team. I honestly wanted to like this team, but can’t get myself to that point. I looked hard and wondered if Pedroia could be a 60-60 guy to make up for Nasty’s dreadful offense. I wondered if it were possible for Hamels to strike out 400 and win 40 games to make up for his dreadful pitching rotation. I wondered if his two reserve batters, A-Rod and Hafner, injected each other in their asses for fun on the weekends. I wondered all of these things and then came to the conclusion that this team is simply dreadful. I feel badly for the big fella, but I also know that he couldn’t be happier with my assessment, so I’ll leave it at that.

Mark/Stro- Big Pappa Pump

Has Mark always been that ditzy blonde that seemingly knows nothing, but somehow pulls straight As on tests? This kid is checking Quickie Marts on the way to the draft for fantasy magazines, checking on players like Colby Rasmus in the sixth round, is being urged to take fliers on back up relievers (Kevin Gregg) by his fellow competitors, and yet drafts one of the better teams in this league. He has two of the most underrated batters in fantasy in Adrian Gonzalez and Carlos Lee. He has Carlos Beltran that had one of the most underrated fantasy years last year in the history of fantasy baseball (check it out, he was a monster). And then he has a good compliment of young, budding stars like Justin Upton, Travis Snider, and Matt Wieters (who everyone is claiming to be the next Piazza… or better). I don’t see too much speed on this team, but that’s only one category, right? As far as his pitching, along with his Yankee rotation of Sabathia, Burnett, and Pettite, he has a future star in Billingsly as well as a fading star in Zambrano. Either way, with these five anchoring his staff, he should do ok in the pitching categories in most weeks. Could Pump finally live up to the Big Papa monicker?

Kyle- Bush Leaguers

During the draft, I caught myself being envious of many of Kyle’s pick. I was ready to pencil this team in the one or two slot when it came time for these predictions. Why do I mention all of this? Because, at this point, I’m not ready to anoint this team the champion. His offense, although lacking in speed, is going to be hard to match. He has a potential MVP in Longoria, two potential batting champs in Cabrera and Manny, and some young prospects in Doumit and Pence. I really like this offense a lot. With no number one starter or any closers at all, his pitching is either going to be really good if his starters pan out or really bad if they are inconsistent. My initial inclination is to think that the likes of Nolasco, Baker, and Sonnastine won’t have years this year like they did last year. Without closers or steals, and possible inconsistency with his pitchers, only makes this team mediocre. Kyle is still good enough to improve his team as the year goes on, and because of this I think he’ll be in contention all year… just not the dominant team I was expecting to find.

Dan- dc

Without question, the most pressure on any one team heading into a season than ever before. With Cousin miraculously drafting this team last year, all Dan had to do was hold on while this team rode to the championship. Many of us credit Cousin and because of that, Dan is now out to set the record straight that it was his skillful matriculation that led his team to the promised land and had nothing to do with Cousin’s skillful choices in the draft. As far as his team this year goes, he’ll win saves and wins most weeks and along with that probably ERA and WHIP. So, the question then becomes can he string together two or three categories offensively to become a consistent contender. Without speed or average, he’s going to have to rely on hits, RBIs, and HRs. He has some pop in his line-up, but I don’t see him winning the other categories too often. Unfortunately for Dan, it looks as though he’ll have to live with everyone’s thinking that it was Cousin’s doing that got him the championship last year. I think I’d rather kill myself.

Amanti- Green Mountain Gamers

Even in my best efforts to get the Gamers off his game with a big night boozing and some extra-curriculars with Coco, he managed to draft a half-way decent team. Offensively, his team is pretty solid. He has some pop with Ludwick, Votto, and Berkman and some speed with J-Ro, Kemp, and Sexi-Alexei. The two big holes offensively are average and the lack of a catcher. Kelly Shoppach? Really? Where the late night booty call seems to have come in handy is when Amanti started to pick his pitchers. I’m not sure where he was getting these names, but he could have major troubles picking up any points in regards to any of the pitching categories. Besides Lincecum (I’m on record as thinking this kid’s arm is going to fall off this year), he only has three starters- Volstad, Jurrjens, and Shields and then a bunch of middle relievers. I know he’s a doctor and seemingly pretty intelligent, but I’m not sure his rationale as to how and why he has assembled this crew of characters. Without the time necessary to build his team throughout the year, I don’t see this team going anywhere.

Big G- Memorial Crusaders

Big G was definitely the most distracted at the draft. Continually winking at chicks for Amanti to hook up with on match.com would get anyone off their game. Having said that, he has a pretty interesting team. A potential MVP candidate in Teixeira, two guys that could be awesome or horrendous in Bradley and Crawford, and two guys that could be on the verge of breaking out in Kendrick and Zimmerman. As hard as this team is to figure offensively, his pitching is equally intriguing with the likes of Beckett, Kazmir, Carmona, Wainwright, Bedard, and Scherza. Even though I’m not a great believer in Wainwright and Bedard, I’ve been known to be wrong before. If most of these guys reach their potential, they could be dangerous. With saves coming at a premium, K-Rod and Soria may just be enough to win this category most weeks. My crystal ball on this team is like a typical San Francisco day, quite foggy and very unclear. Wanting to root for Big G, I will go ahead and say that I think this team will surprise in ’09.

Cousin- Pink Ladies

Why do I root against Cousin so voraciously? Is it because I need to explain things to him 10 times only for him to ask me again a week later and then without reason he inevitably does exactly what I explained to him not to do? Whatever the reason, I’d like to pick him to finish last…. but I can’t. There’s no doubt he has some talented players on his team- Kinsler, Youk, Sizemore, Webb, and Lester, but the complimentary players are less than impressive… and a little old- Helton, Hideki, Victor Martinez, Zito, Lowe. Unlike most of our teams, there’s very little youth on this team? Chris Davis should be solid, but there’s not much potential with this team. If some of his regulars stumble, which they will, he doesn’t have any breakthrough players to take their spots. We know what we’re getting with this team and I don’t think it’s going to be enough. Possibly enough to make the playoffs, but they won’t get anywhere during the playoffs. Put me in the category of continuing to root against the Cuz.

Kevin- Quevin

Put this team as the team of destiny… because I don’t think there’s any team worse than this one. There’s not a single offensive player that I would’ve drafted in any round. Seeing his offense, I figured I’d find a bunch of studs in his pitching lineup. Dice-K, Oswalt, Papelbon, and Rivera are solid, but not good enough to win enough pitching categories to make up for his anemic offense. I’m not sure what I’ll do if Kevin wins this league, because I can’t find anything to suggest that he’ll finish above .500. I would guess at least 20 games under .500. He has to be happy about this, because this is how I felt about Dan’s team last year as I predicted that they’d finish in 11^th. Can we have a repeat performance on my lowest predicted seed? Man, I hope not or I may need to retire from this soothsayer business.

King- The Truth

I usually like Kinger’s draft style and this year isn’t much different. He has good balance of speed and power. I actually think he’ll win these categories quite easily in most weeks. With this balance, he should do fine in RBIs and Runs. He won’t win the batting average category too often, but often enough to come away with some clean sweeps in the offensive categories. Much like Craigger, though, he only has eight pitchers, with only one of those being a reliever. I don’t think this is the way to build a contender, but what do I know. With all but giving up on Saves, Wins, and Ks, he’ll finish with 5-5 records most weeks. With some good managing, he’ll be able to improve his team to contender level, but I still see some needed improvements before I can put this team into the playoffs.

Jeff- Team formerly known as “I’d hit from both sides for David Wright”

I’ll try to be as objective as I can. My first two picks (Pujols and Reyes) give me all five categories. Follow those two picks up with my two keepers of Hamilton and Holliday and I have a good offensive foundation. I feel like I’ve filled out the rest of my offensive positions with solid complimentary players to give me a little bit from each of the five categories. It’s definitely a more veteran offense than I’m accustomed to and hope that no one breaks down. Being 34 myself makes me realize how brittle a lot of my players could be. My pitching staff is currently the worst among all 12 teams. I knew this would be the case after the draft and I’m relying on my unhealthy amount of time checking and rechecking my team during the week to make the necessary changes in the pitching positions to get me to where I need to get to. I do want to go on record to say that I think Price, Zimmerman, and Jimenez will be my go to guys in August thru the playoffs and my Mets boys of Pelfrey and Maine… along with Wandy of Houston will all be pleasant surprises. If Marmol becomes the closer in Chicago and Motte is what “they” say he is, I could be sitting pretty during most weeks. I think I’ll get off to a slow start, but will slowly take over the league as I dedicate my life to hoisting up the trophy we don’t have at the end of the year.

Predictions Summarized:

Division Winner: The Truth

Division Winner: Wright Choice

In the playoffs: Memorial Crusaders

In the playoffs: Bush

In the playoffs: Pump

In the playoffs: Pink Ladies

In contention: dc (in the hunt all year… down to the last game of the season with Pink Ladies)

In contention: Big and Tall

In contention: Green Mountain Gamers

In contention: J (friggin symbol)

No chance: Nasty

13^th place: Kevin

Playoff Predictions:

1^st Round: Crusaders vs. Ladies= Crusaders

1^st Round: Bush vs. Pump= Bush

Semi-Finals: Crusaders vs. Wright= Wright

Semi-Finals: Bush vs. Truth= Bush

Championship: Bush vs. Wright= Wright (would be lying if I thought any different)